As I sit here in my partially sunlit living room, the coolness from the spring breeze that smells so sweet here in the mountains pouring through our screen door, I can’t help but feel the peaceful presence of the Lord washing over my constantly worrying motherly heart.
I have not given birth to this sweet miracle growing inside me yet, but you cannot convince me that I am not yet a parent. I fully believe that parenting begins while the child is still in utero. A parent is nothing more than a caretaker, and I am all consumed with taking care of this little girl who seems to be getting a kick out of kicking me in the diaphragm.
I do not know what her face looks like, how her eye lids cover her eyes, whether she has her daddy’s button nose and envy provoking eye lashes or if she has my full lips and dimpled chin. I do not know what her cries sound like, whether she’s calm and collected like both of us or if she’s spicy and passionate full of a feverish intensity.
But I do know that she is a gift. One that I do not deserve, but one that I am eternally grateful for. I do know that she moves gently when our kitty lays sweetly near my belly. She moves excitedly when her daddy talks to her. She moves to the beat of my guitar’s resonance when I’m playing it near, and she thrashes about violently when we’re near music that is too loud and too closely related to a rock concert.
As I near her grand arrival, I tend to worry about her delivery, her health, how prepared I am to deal with a newborn. But then a calmness rushes over me as I feel God saying “Let me perfect what I’ve started in you.”
Earlier in my pregnancy, I was paralyzed by so many fears. From gaining too much weight, to having a traumatic birth experience. All of my fears were certainly legitimate, and if you’re reading this and are feeling very fearful about your pregnancy or anything else that may be going on in your life, it’s OK. Do not let anyone ever tell you that your fears are childish or foolish. Only ignorant, cold-hearted, and wicked people will purposefully make you feel that way, and they are clearly not worthy of any of your time or concern.
As the weeks have quickly passed so have many of my fears. My child and I have both been blessed with wonderful health so far, I have been given beautiful support by my family, and we have been incredibly blessed with necessary gifts to aid us in taking care of this sweet child.
When fears of inadequacy swell in my heart, I hear the Lord say “I have not given you this spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and of a sound mind.” When fears creep into the corner of my mind about the birth I hear “For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.”
I’m drawn back from this reflective moment by the low hum of cicadas and the cars passing by. Life is busying itself all around, and I am thankful for peace.