Batter my heart

 
Sometimes I feel as though I’m caught in an existential funk, but I don’t know if that’s a problem. Questioning what purpose I may possess doesn’t seem to be the problem, the problem with my thinking at times seems to be pride.
Shortly after marrying my husband, I found myself in yet another counselor’s office trying to sift through my overwhelming feelings of depression. I didn’t really click with this counselor, and she was more concerned with talking about God’s grace as opposed to addressing my problems head on.
She was nice enough and seemed to care, but what she was saying were things I had heard my whole life. I didn’t want to be there, and I begrudging went each week to appease my husband. I was in a program that lasted for several weeks, and I would try to blaze through each section that I was supposed to complete just so I could be one week closer to the end.
Retrospectively, my problem at that time wasn’t really the depression, but pride. I thought that I had it all figured out and that I was too good for God’s grace, or at least the idea of it. I didn’t need to hear about what I already knew in my head, even though I desperately needed it to permeate my heart.
I finished this program with a sigh of relief, and never gave it much thought again until this morning. Often I fear asking the Lord to draw me closer because of what He may take away. I know that He is a jealous God, and doesn’t like other things in His place. I do want Him on His rightful throne in my heart, but at what cost?
Below is a sonnet that I originally read at least 12 years ago. Its words often echo in the back of my mind, especially in times such as this when I find myself wondering what I am supposed to be doing and longing to be close enough to His divine presence that I can feel His breath.
For the things that break your heart, may they also break mine too. Draw me ever nearer, nearer to you.
Batter My Heart, Three Person’s God (Holy Sonnet 14)
John Donne1572 – 1631
Batter my heart, three-personed God, for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o’erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurped town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but Oh, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy:
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

9 Months!

Sweet girl,

You have been out of belly for as long as you were in it! I rub my eyes in disbelief over the fact that you have grown so quickly and so beautifully.

You are spunky, funny, sweet, and incredibly smart.

You like to growl, giggle, make faces, and play hard.

You are going to the doctor today, so we’ll see how much you weigh and how tall you are. You wear size 3 diapers, 6-12 month onesies, 9-12 month pants, and 6-12 month shoes, which are still a bit big on your tiny foot. You just might take after mama and her child sized foot.

In the last month, you learned to crawl, to sit yourself up, and to pull up to standing for several seconds. You haven’t really picked up any new words, still just mama and dada, but I think you were trying to say Gus last night, or Guh I should say, while you were playing with him.

I’ve been teaching you a few signs, but you haven’t signed back yet although you seem to act like you know what they mean.

You are still just eating breastmilk, fruits, veggies, and cereals.

Likes:

Elmo’s World

Gus

Playing at the park

Fruits

Playing with Dada

Snuggling Mama

Bath time

Dislikes:

Most veggies

when we tell you no or take something away from you

the carseat

sitting still

 

You are an absolute delight, my dear. Keep shining, smiling, and learning. You are a special one for sure.