Batter my heart

Sometimes I feel as though I’m caught in an existential funk, but I don’t know if that’s a problem. Questioning what purpose I may possess doesn’t seem to be the problem, the problem with my thinking at times seems to be pride.
Shortly after marrying my husband, I found myself in yet another counselor’s office trying to sift through my overwhelming feelings of depression. I didn’t really click with this counselor, and she was more concerned with talking about God’s grace as opposed to addressing my problems head on.
She was nice enough and seemed to care, but what she was saying were things I had heard my whole life. I didn’t want to be there, and I begrudging went each week to appease my husband. I was in a program that lasted for several weeks, and I would try to blaze through each section that I was supposed to complete just so I could be one week closer to the end.
Retrospectively, my problem at that time wasn’t really the depression, but pride. I thought that I had it all figured out and that I was too good for God’s grace, or at least the idea of it. I didn’t need to hear about what I already knew in my head, even though I desperately needed it to permeate my heart.
I finished this program with a sigh of relief, and never gave it much thought again until this morning. Often I fear asking the Lord to draw me closer because of what He may take away. I know that He is a jealous God, and doesn’t like other things in His place. I do want Him on His rightful throne in my heart, but at what cost?
Below is a sonnet that I originally read at least 12 years ago. Its words often echo in the back of my mind, especially in times such as this when I find myself wondering what I am supposed to be doing and longing to be close enough to His divine presence that I can feel His breath.
For the things that break your heart, may they also break mine too. Draw me ever nearer, nearer to you.
Batter My Heart, Three Person’s God (Holy Sonnet 14)
John Donne1572 – 1631
Batter my heart, three-personed God, for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o’erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurped town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but Oh, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy:
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

One thought on “Batter my heart

  1. I’ve always loved that sonnet, and I completely know what you mean about pride and being scared of God drawing me to Him. I recently have been trying to begin each day dedicating my actions to Him and asking Him to bless my efforts in all my endeavors and moving forward in the knowledge of His grace in my life. Love you, friend, and appreciate your heart for The Lord!

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